Saturday, January 16, 2010

Hilarious short quotes

Hilarious short quotes

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Hilarious short quotes

Hilarious short quotes

Quote 1

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
- Dave Barry

Quote 2

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
- Dave Barry

Quote 3

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

Quote 4

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

- Dave Barry

Quote 5

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
- Dave Barry

Quote 6

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
- Dave Barry

Quote 7

Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.
- Dave Barry

Quote 8

I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope... and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
- Dr Seuss

Quote 9

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr Seuss

Quote 10

If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.
- Dr Seuss

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hilarious short quotes

Hilarious short quotes

Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Benny Hill
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Mark Twain
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Jerry Seinfield
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

Ellen DeGeneres
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Willard Scott
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.

Hugh Leonard
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

Robert Bloch
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hilarious Quotes

Hilarious Quotes

1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.

2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

6- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

8- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

9 - A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hilarious Quotes

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous

Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns

Monday, January 11, 2010

Hilarious Quotes

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson