Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hilarious Quotes

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous

Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns