Hilarious Quotes

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson