Hilarious short quotes
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?
The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.
My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Hilarious short quotes
Hilarious short quotes
Quote 1
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
- Dave Barry
Quote 2
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
- Dave Barry
Quote 3
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
Quote 4
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
- Dave Barry
Quote 5
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
- Dave Barry
Quote 6
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
- Dave Barry
Quote 7
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.
- Dave Barry
Quote 8
I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope... and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
- Dr Seuss
Quote 9
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr Seuss
Quote 10
If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.
- Dr Seuss
Quote 1
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
- Dave Barry
Quote 2
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
- Dave Barry
Quote 3
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
Quote 4
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
- Dave Barry
Quote 5
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
- Dave Barry
Quote 6
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
- Dave Barry
Quote 7
Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpetological phrase.
- Dave Barry
Quote 8
I like nonsense - it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope... and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
- Dr Seuss
Quote 9
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
- Dr Seuss
Quote 10
If I were invited to a dinner party with my characters, I wouldn't show up.
- Dr Seuss
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Hilarious short quotes
Hilarious short quotes
Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Benny Hill
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Mark Twain
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Jerry Seinfield
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Voltaire
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
Ellen DeGeneres
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Willard Scott
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.
Hugh Leonard
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Robert Bloch
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
Benny Hill
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Mark Twain
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Jerry Seinfield
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Voltaire
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
Ellen DeGeneres
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Willard Scott
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.
Hugh Leonard
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
Robert Bloch
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Hilarious Quotes
Hilarious Quotes
1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
6- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
8- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
9 - A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
1- Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
2- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
3- There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
4- An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
5- Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
6- When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
7- Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
8- If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
9 - A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.
10 - Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little
bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Hilarious Quotes
Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman
The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc
The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp
This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding
Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown
Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
-- Ambrose Bierce
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
-- Author Unknown
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
-- Bertrand Russell
One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.
-- Adrienne Gusoff
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
-- Anonymous
Strike while your employer has a big contract.
-- Author Unknown
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.
-- George E. Bergman
The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-- Arthur Bloc
The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.
-- Karl Kraus
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.
-- Quentin Crisp
This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.
-- Quentin Crisp
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
-- Albert Einstein
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding
Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?
-- Author Unknown
Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?
-- Lily Tomlin
You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
-- George Burns
Monday, January 11, 2010
Hilarious Quotes
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-- Douglas Adams
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie
Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams
If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown
If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry
It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson
-- Douglas Adams
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
-- Agatha Christie
Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
-- Peter's Almanac
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes."
-- Frieda Norris
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
-- Hubert Humphrey
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
-- Ralph Bus
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
-- M. Berle
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
-- Robert Orben
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
-- Quentin Crisp
He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
-- Douglas Adam
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
-- Les Dawson
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
-- Dennis Miller
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
-- Author Unknown
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
-- Author Unknown
If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.
-- Joey Adams
If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
-- Author Unknown
If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?
-- Jean Kerr
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
-- Dave Barry
It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.
-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin
Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
-- Homer Simpson
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